Jaunty, Jolly Mushroom
View from the Top–Merry Mushroom

My blog is my writing world post-NaNo2020. Emerging. Becoming.

Meet Kabtn Khawaga

Kabtn Khawaga, father of me, his Khawaga Kid

This photo was taken and posted to social media around 2015. His motion to modify alimony and judgment didn’t go his way. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. I got his message loud and clear. Me, the go-between for my parents. He would always tell me in such a casual way that she could accept what he was offering, or “I’ll just stay in Egypt.” That’s what his message was to me with this pic.

Kabtn Khawaga did stay in Egypt from 1982 until 2019. I am writing the story of our family life and when he chose to abandon us.

Now, all the pictures he posted to taunt…well…I saved them. He cannot stand that his barbs were like a boomerang, returning to haunt him as the hopefully final court battle looms.

As always, I say to Kabtn Khawaga, “Pay what you owe my mother and sister, or move back to Egypt. You cannot live peacefully in Mississippi while you are committing fraud, financial abuse and coercive control against my mother. Too late for my brain damaged sister that you abandoned. She died defrauded by you of the medical care, financial support…but mostly…you never came to see her, touch her, hug her, tell her you loved her. Lame excuses don’t work on me, your Khawaga Kid. I know why you stayed away.

My Daily Med

The birthday message that changed me:

DO NOT TAKE OFFENSE (1)

It is difficult to grow spiritually if you have offense in your heart. When you walk in blessing, love, and forgiveness, you will experience God’s peace and power. Are you having a tough time letting go of offense? I did.

October 31, 2020. Birthday number 58. I was ready to get well. Something everyone should know–You cannot heal spiritual disease with worldly cures. I have taken this message from Joyce Meyer Ministries as my Year 58 Pledge. DON’T TAKE OFFENSE. You can refuse to TAKE the offense offered.

What kinds of things offend us? When someone doesn’t appreciate my work, or me; when people talk at me and don’t listen to me, I got offended. Another person ignored me, my father’s abuse and fraud. That is the biggy and the one that set me free and started the healing of my soul sickness. Wow! What a force Christians could be on this earth if we could all just decide to love each other and stop criticizing people who don’t think exactly the way we think. When we get to heaven, there will not be designated sections for each denomination. We have this life here on earth to practice getting along.

WE NEED TO SEEK UNITY IN DIVERSITY

We must unify around our differences in our lives. Learn how to disagree agreeably and appreciate the differences in people.

One of Paul’s Apostolic Power Prayers is Philippians 1:9-11–9) And this I pray, that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and in discernment, 10) That you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense til the day of Christ, 11) being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. ***I pray you might approve things that are excellent; that you may be SINCERE and WITHOUT OFFENSE until Christ returns.*** Psalm 119:165–Great peace have they who love Your law; nothing shall offend them or make them stumble.***

There are certain things you can put on your prayer list, and these things are important enough to pray every day. Pray every morning that for this day, you will not be offended and get mad at anyone. Just to be able to say to the Lord when you say your prayers at night, “Lord, I’m happy to say that I can go to sleep tonight and I’m not mad at anyone.”

Furthermore, if you want to be a seriously committed Christian, you will lay aside your emotions and what you think, and you will be committed to not going to bed angry. Don’t wait for the other person to make it right, just go ahead and be first.

When you wake up in the morning, pray, “God, keep me strong so I do not spend my day offended.” Say to yourself, “Today, I choose to not be offended no matter what happens.”

Coastal Coalition Against Coercive Control (C4) is a proactive approach to continued abuse within my family. I have been instructed to share my own personal experience with the detrimental effects of coercive control. The most insidious thing about coercive control is that the abuser does not have to be present in your life to inflict this type of abuse.

COERCIVE CONTROL is an established pattern of abuse. Some abusers will even commit crimes to maintain control of their intended victim, and they do not care who else is hurt in the process.

C4 Slogan–Hurt people hurt people. Part of my outreach will be addressing the effects of domestic violence, which I believe is a Generational Curse and only healing soul sickness will break it.

C4. The Coastal Coalition Against Coercive Control. Awareness. Education. Prevention. Prosecution.

Dear Sister Sheesh

My sons called you Aunt Sheesh. You were my sidekick through life; an early birthday gift the year I turned four. I can’t forget having to leave you and our poodle NiNi when I ran away from Mobile, AL in July of 1979. You’re both dead now. I have survivor’s guilt. It’s still hard to write the word dead for the two of you; deaths caused by friendly fire on the battlefield of the family wars.

I flew away in the middle of the night, leaving everything that was precious to me behind, except for my independence. I could not live a prisoner of war, home is a foreign place, an enemy camp. I failed you and NiNi. I could not keep you safe. The grief is deep in my heart for the way you lived the last eleven years and two days of your life. I feel you and NiNi waiting for me. You did nothing that requires my forgiveness.

First Letter from UrHere, a Woman Cave

Dear Kabtn Khawaga,

The unforgiveness that burdened me for decades almost killed me. Feeling like I had to prove myself worthy of your love and attention, to not be excluded from your life.

2015. Comprehension of your contempt for your first family. A vengeful storm brewed, wreaking havoc in my spirit. Spewing toxins like an oilfield, poisoning my environment. We three females of your first family were only discards in your poker hand. I wanted you to pay with the only currency that matters in your world. Cold, hard CA$H. Dollars earned by any means necessary. Your money is blood money, earned with the life of my sister and the shattering that created V. V. Protector of our mother, found guilty of loving and believing in you.

Dangled carrots, bloody turnips. You, Kabtn; dropping in and out of my life, on a whim. 2007. You realized I was no longer buying your lies and bankrupting myself in the process. You tried to drop back out when I returned to America after my visit to your family home in Alexandria, Egypt. I fight for my family, Kabtn. Your sister the Bulldog and your fourth wife the Diva hide you behind their skirts. You like to keep your harem stirred and fighting, it keeps them distracted while you do whatever floats your boat. In the days before my departure from your home in Alex, I felt the freeze as you retreated, turning colder. This time, I knew why. I found all I needed to know about you as the Familiar Stranger, the International Deadbeat Dad.

You are Kabtn Khawaga in my memoir. I am your Khawaga Kid. The daughter holding onto the grief of my dead family; I was destroying not only myself, but the lives of my loved ones. I end this letter with words that lead to healing for the health of my family. Please forgive me. I forgive you.

Word Games

Aswan in August

Boarding our felucca

To cruise the Nile

You point to a word

“What does that say?”

You ask. I reply

“Captain spelled Kabtn”

A good memory

Of a good day

The word game

A man once called Daddy

Played with his first daughter

Lessons Learned on IsLand

Part 2. This story was finished on December 7, 2018. The author is a work in progress. 🙂

You must not only survive after catastrophe and trauma, you must extend yourself; thrive, flourish, nourish, sustain, maintain. Cultivate your own seeds of faith and patience garden. Stand up for yourself, especially when you stand alone. Respect other people; expect respect in return. Someone who does not respect you has no place in your life. Have NO CONTACT with the perpetually dysfunctional and/or the perpetrators of abuse. Realize that if a pattern of abuse is working for them, they are highly unlikely to change of their own volition. They may say things like, “If you really loved me, you would want to be in my life.” Remain silent, do not engage in their quest for negative attention. Any response gives them their “fix.” The truth is, if they respected you and your personal boundaries, they would change their behavior toward you. Accept the fact that some people will never change. If you want change, be the change. Make waves when waves are necessary.

Give thanks and be grateful. I am thankful for the opportunity to write today, practicing the Art of Becoming. Become beautiful from the inside out. Contrary to popular opinion, appearance is NOT everything. Sometimes beauty is only on the surface. Choose a beauty that endures and grows within. What will you have left when your “youthful beauty” fades? Always be willing to change when circumstances deem change necessary. Bend but don’t break. Become fluid, like water; no longer petrified like a piece of wood turned to stone.

November 27, 2017. I was homeless, jobless. I was no spring chicken. The security and stability of the safest home I ever had went up in a puff of smoke. That morning, I was filled with hope that the dysfunction and effects of trauma, abuse, coercive control, were losing the battle for my family, my very life. By nightfall, I was in a state of grief and shock, unable to comprehend the sudden devastation. I had to let go to hold on, focusing on the changes necessary in my woman’s heart. Healing must begin with myself before I can help anyone else.

The Sea of Humanity calls me; it is my last day on IsLand. I found my buried treasure and I wrote my own message on the Wall of Words. I cross the Pool of Reflection and gaze one final time into the Inside Out Mirror. I have no idea if my hair looks perfect, or if the outfit I’m wearing makes me look fat. Inside, I see the true beauty of a joyful, forgiven and forgiving woman’s heart. I can leave the cave called UrHere since I have crossed the abyss to the other side of dysfunction.

Words written in sand were words that had to be acknowledged, but not memorialized. I leave them here on the shore of IsLand to be washed away by the tides of time; they have served their purpose and will only sink me. I push my canoe into the waters and paddle away. Looking forward, not back, I wave.

I Heard Him Say, “Follow Me.”

When God gives me My Daily Med

A dose of His Word and time with Him. That is My Daily Med.  This morning, before My Daily Med, I went on Social Media to “connect”.

I went on one, where I have friends. “I’ll be your Friend” He said.

I flew to another where there are followers. “Follow Me” He said.

So, I opened my Bible and this is what I read.

An old My Daily Med–this morning I needed a reminder.

☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️

“FOLLOWING JESUS and living according to God’s ways is often contrary to the world’s values. A righteous life can be very unpopular in today’s culture…it’s how we’re called to live. When Jesus said, ‘Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven’ (Mt. 5:10), He acknowledged we’d pay a price for our obedience and right desires…He encourages us to a sure hope, the promise of the priceless future that awaits…bring your Savior any pain you feel because of wrongful treatment…in His presence, earthly troubles fade and the assurance of Heaven becomes very real.”

Now is your time to enter into His service–no longer as His orphaned baby girl, but as His woman. He has loosed you so that you might loose others in His name.

I follow Him. I make a plan, He changes it, like My Daily Med this morning…He wanted me to read the above message first. I follow His lead.

COASTAL COALITION on COERCIVE CONTROL

My mission is to share with people from every walk of life the truth of the devastating effects of coercive control. AWARENESS.

As I hear His voice, I will share it to EDUCATE anyone and everyone on how to be free of coercive control.

PREVENTION of coercive control can increase when these abusers face

PROSECUTION for their calculated pattern of abusive behavior through sometimes unlawful means.