Wee Folk

Enjoying life and feeling joy in simple things is still very important in my life. This morning I want to share some of my mushroom pictures from this past week.

The shadow is my car, I drove right over this mushroom, but my tires didn’t touch it… Survivor!
Out walking with our furbabies, I have to scout, pretend I haven’t noticed anything, then sneak back for a pic, otherwise the mushrooms will be trampled.
Neighbors 🙂
Sunshine on a cloudy day.
Perfect posture. My grandmother would be pleased.
Emerging

Even in the midst of personal problems, when you feel small and unnoticed, know that you are not alone. Find something to bring you out of yourself and back into the world. Walks in nature do this for me. I always feel better after I clear my head in the great outdoors

Sometimes, you have to allow happiness to find you in little ways when there is no great happiness in sight. Feeling helpless and hopeless makes and keeps people sick.

Personal experience has taught me to create my own action where there’s been no action. When you hear, “There’s nothing you can do.” don’t believe it. Your life experience can be an important way to connect with others who feel isolated and alone, scared, intimidated, humiliated, exploited, worthless.

Creating the Coastal Coercive Control Coalition, aka C4, during Domestic Violence Awareness month is how I decided to fight for my own right to live abuse free and also share my journey to wholeness. Naysayers, get out of my way!

C4 Coastal Coercive Control Coalition

My sister’s headstone. Eleven years and two days of living dependent on our mother for her care. The man we used to call Daddy used financial abuse as a means to control our mother when she finally became physically sick at the sight of him and started divorce proceedings. He escalated this financial abuse to the point that my sister and mother were homeless. His own brain damaged daughter became collateral damage in his determination to subjugate, humiliate, control our mother for leaving him; although it was his repeated affairs that sickened her to the point that she felt repulsed in his presence. This was her unforgivable crime. My sister died a victim of his neglect and financial abuse. My mother is still damaged by his coercive control through financial abuse.

This is the poem on my sister’s grave:

A Prayer for the Helpless

Let me be a voice

For the speechless

Those who are small and weak

Let me speak

For all helpless creatures

Who have no power to speak

I have lifted my heart

To Heaven

On behalf of the least of these

The frightened

The homeless

The hungry

I am voicing their pleas

If I can help any creature

Respond to a desperate call

I will know that

My prayers have been answered

By the God who created

Them all

My Daily Med–Being A Godly Influence Daniel:1

Often we try to separate our personal lives from our spiritual lives. Many see Jesus as a way to Heaven and the solution to spiritual problems, but they fail to see that He is the solution to all of life’s problems.

We don’t have to be prominent in the world’s eyes to be an influential person. Through your example and testimony, you can help others understand who Jesus Christ is and what it looks like to live for Him.

Daniel was a godly influence not only on his friends but also on kings. Even as a youth, he was committed to obeying God’s law. When Daniel was offered food from the Babylonian king’s table, he requested vegetarian meals instead, to comply with Jewish dietary restrictions. His commitment to the Lord outweighed any fear of reprisal for rejecting the royal provisions. And God protected Daniel by giving him favor with his overseer.

Most of us won’t have an opportunity to influence global leaders but our example can impact a workplace, neighborhood, home, or future generations. A godly example is rooted in obedience to Scripture because it’s the source of wisdom. In a world tossed about by upheaval, fear, uncertainty, pandemic, our confidence in the Lord stands out and influences those around us.

I have chosen to be honest about my life behind closed doors. The truth of family dysfunction, abuse, neglect, abandonment, and in the course of my own healing, I pray that sharing my knowledge gained through decades of experience will fulfill the mission of my new endeavor called…

C4

The Coastal Coalition on Coercive Control. Awareness. Education. Prevention. Prosecution.

Light in the Darkness

Our Mama/Momma and V-Her Protector

I called her yesterday because I rescheduled my appointment in town. I bake a pan of cornbread for her and she freezes it. Despising V does not keep me from loving our Mama/Momma.

I call my mother our Mama/Momma in my writing because her girls spelled it differently. When I write to her on cards, letters, gifts, I spell her name Mama. When Sheila wrote to her on cards, letters, gifts, she spelled her name Momma. Yes. To me her name is Mama and Mama is another word for love.

But that V!!! Anyway, I knew I had to let her know so she wouldn’t be waiting and wondering about me and her cornbread. Our conversation went well. I really do miss my Mama….

Kabtn Khawaga. My father. His First Mate V. She is the protector of Mama/Momma. You have to go through V sometimes to get to Mama/Momma. V is Vicious. Kabtn Khawaga dispenses dysfunction like some men pass out business cards. But he does it behind closed doors.

Khawaga Kid. My memoir. I can write freely now, not blocked by the last secret. The secret of V.

Shadow Woman Speaks

I was mad at God because He won’t heal my broken family. I cannot heal my family by remaining in contact with them, but they can keep me sick. Yes, I was mad at God. Now, I am reconciled and I rely on Him to heal me.

Domestic Violence and Coercive Control. You have to fight to be free even when it means having an estranged, distant, or even monitored relationship with family members still held hostage behind the closed doors of homes all over the world.

Freedom starts in your mind. You don’t have to remain a hostage to the not so secret family secrets. I will be 58 soon. I am estranged from my entire family. It’s me and Hubby together against the world.

Mama V. Seventy-five in December. I am the only child she has living. I am the only person, especially through the Covid pandemic, that gets her to her appointments. I shop for her. Our relationship is one of control, manipulation, domination, humiliation.

V for Vicious. The woman I ran away from in 1979. The final secret of life behind the closed doors of my family. Nothing is off limits when I do not please her. She has lied to people about me and they believe her.

My parents are in what I call the Family Court Case from Hell. My parents, aged 77 and soon to be 75 have been apart since they were in their thirties. They only agree on one thing. Me. Their Khawaga Kid. I became a problem when I stopped being held hostage in my mind and emotions.

I have been humiliated time and again by the antics of the two people who brought me into this world. As their scapegoat, I became angry at God because I had to endure their insanity that once was “love”. No person, professional, clergy, agency has help for me. I felt worthless. If not for my husband as a living witness to the high degree of dysfunction in my family, I would not be here.

Yes. I was suicidal. My reality? No one believed how life really is as the adult daughter of two abusers. Not just Kabtn Khawaga…also his First Mate V. Khawaga Kid. That’s me. I may be a foreigner in this world and an outcast in my family, but I live in the safest home I ever had with my family of one, my husband.

This is my blog diary as I prepare to kick off a new endeavor called the Coastal Coercive Control Coalition, and as I preare for NaNoWriMo 2020.

I’m writing Egyptian Minutes for NaNoWriMo 2020. It’s a short story collection about my times in Egypt.

My memoir Khawaga Kid is still, like me, a work in progress.

Wires of Connectivity

Beautiful Package, Beautiful Gift

Colossians 1:9-11. 9) For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; 10) that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11) strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy;

The greater part of your attractiveness–the part that draws or attracts others to you–is on the inside. If you are only concerned with what you look like, you are going to be a very shallow, superficial person. People are going to find that once they have quit playing with you, the box you came in was beautifully wrapped, but empty.

Return to the Source of your attractiveness–the Holy Spirit of God. He is the One who woos and wins the heart. When you are the Holy Spirit’s woman, He will draw you to the right people for the right purposes at just the right time.

C4 the Coastal Coercive Control Coalition Campaign kick-off on a coastal beach. Initial scouting October 14, 2020. October 31, 2020. Join me in celebrating the birth of a coalition.

Put the truth in your spirit and feed, nurture, and allow it to grow. Quit telling yourself, “You’re too fat, too old, too late, or too ignorant.” Stop feeding yourself that garbage.

V

Protector of our mother. The woman I ran away from in 1979. The woman I locked out of my house on April 3, 2019. V is short for Vicious. First Mate of Kabtn Khawaga. I am their Khawaga Kid.

Protector of Mama/Momma. Vicious V is relentless. I was the hostage of a woman in her 70’s until I locked her out of my house. It was insane and yes, I documented the entire process.

V. The final secret. I told her about my new endeavor, the Coastal Coercive Control Coalition. We had a pleasant phone conversation. But….5 hours later, she calls “Don’t have anything to do with your father.” Then she goes into the spiel.

Listen. Remain silent. “Robin, are you there?” V finally asks. “Yes, I’m here.” She conversates. I listen. She finally says, “I don’t know why you have anything to do with the asshole.” I said, “Actually, I’m dealing with two, and both of you are in denial.”

V. The woman who told me she didn’t want to hear my Psychobabble Bullshit when I told her, “Sick parents make sick kids.” Kabtn Khawaga and his First Mate V dismiss V’s suicide attempt. So does everyone else. I have tried to “get help”. There is no help available for a psychological hostage.

C4. It’s gonna be dynamite, blowing the cover on coercive control.

Awareness. Education. Prevention. Prosecution.