Like this red road
But won’t break
I don’t stalk
Like this red road
But won’t break
I don’t stalk
My blog is my writing world post-NaNo2020. Emerging. Becoming.
This photo was taken and posted to social media around 2015. His motion to modify alimony and judgment didn’t go his way. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. I got his message loud and clear. Me, the go-between for my parents. He would always tell me in such a casual way that she could accept what he was offering, or “I’ll just stay in Egypt.” That’s what his message was to me with this pic.
Kabtn Khawaga did stay in Egypt from 1982 until 2019. I am writing the story of our family life and when he chose to abandon us.
Now, all the pictures he posted to taunt…well…I saved them. He cannot stand that his barbs were like a boomerang, returning to haunt him as the hopefully final court battle looms.
As always, I say to Kabtn Khawaga, “Pay what you owe my mother and sister, or move back to Egypt. You cannot live peacefully in Mississippi while you are committing fraud, financial abuse and coercive control against my mother. Too late for my brain damaged sister that you abandoned. She died defrauded by you of the medical care, financial support…but mostly…you never came to see her, touch her, hug her, tell her you loved her. Lame excuses don’t work on me, your Khawaga Kid. I know why you stayed away.
He is big
He is strong
I have no choice
It is wrong
The big bad wolf
A fairy tale
But no, he’s here
He whispers in my ear
If you tell
No one will believe
I don’t know
How to grieve
But I know
I have no voice
Left without a choice
A girl who can’t say no
The birthday message that changed me:
DO NOT TAKE OFFENSE (1)
It is difficult to grow spiritually if you have offense in your heart. When you walk in blessing, love, and forgiveness, you will experience God’s peace and power. Are you having a tough time letting go of offense? I did.
October 31, 2020. Birthday number 58. I was ready to get well. Something everyone should know–You cannot heal spiritual disease with worldly cures. I have taken this message from Joyce Meyer Ministries as my Year 58 Pledge. DON’T TAKE OFFENSE. You can refuse to TAKE the offense offered.
What kinds of things offend us? When someone doesn’t appreciate my work, or me; when people talk at me and don’t listen to me, I got offended. Another person ignored me, my father’s abuse and fraud. That is the biggy and the one that set me free and started the healing of my soul sickness. Wow! What a force Christians could be on this earth if we could all just decide to love each other and stop criticizing people who don’t think exactly the way we think. When we get to heaven, there will not be designated sections for each denomination. We have this life here on earth to practice getting along.
WE NEED TO SEEK UNITY IN DIVERSITY
We must unify around our differences in our lives. Learn how to disagree agreeably and appreciate the differences in people.
One of Paul’s Apostolic Power Prayers is Philippians 1:9-11–9) And this I pray, that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and in discernment, 10) That you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense til the day of Christ, 11) being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. ***I pray you might approve things that are excellent; that you may be SINCERE and WITHOUT OFFENSE until Christ returns.*** Psalm 119:165–Great peace have they who love Your law; nothing shall offend them or make them stumble.***
There are certain things you can put on your prayer list, and these things are important enough to pray every day. Pray every morning that for this day, you will not be offended and get mad at anyone. Just to be able to say to the Lord when you say your prayers at night, “Lord, I’m happy to say that I can go to sleep tonight and I’m not mad at anyone.”
Furthermore, if you want to be a seriously committed Christian, you will lay aside your emotions and what you think, and you will be committed to not going to bed angry. Don’t wait for the other person to make it right, just go ahead and be first.
When you wake up in the morning, pray, “God, keep me strong so I do not spend my day offended.” Say to yourself, “Today, I choose to not be offended no matter what happens.”
Coastal Coalition Against Coercive Control (C4) is a proactive approach to continued abuse within my family. I have been instructed to share my own personal experience with the detrimental effects of coercive control. The most insidious thing about coercive control is that the abuser does not have to be present in your life to inflict this type of abuse.
COERCIVE CONTROL is an established pattern of abuse. Some abusers will even commit crimes to maintain control of their intended victim, and they do not care who else is hurt in the process.
C4 Slogan–Hurt people hurt people. Part of my outreach will be addressing the effects of domestic violence, which I believe is a Generational Curse and only healing soul sickness will break it.
C4. The Coastal Coalition Against Coercive Control. Awareness. Education. Prevention. Prosecution.
My sons called you Aunt Sheesh. You were my sidekick through life; an early birthday gift the year I turned four. I can’t forget having to leave you and our poodle NiNi when I ran away from Mobile, AL in July of 1979. You’re both dead now. I have survivor’s guilt. It’s still hard to write the word dead for the two of you; deaths caused by friendly fire on the battlefield of the family wars.
I flew away in the middle of the night, leaving everything that was precious to me behind, except for my independence. I could not live a prisoner of war, home is a foreign place, an enemy camp. I failed you and NiNi. I could not keep you safe. The grief is deep in my heart for the way you lived the last eleven years and two days of your life. I feel you and NiNi waiting for me. You did nothing that requires my forgiveness.
Dear First Mate V,
You did not want to live without Kabtn Khawaga when he destroyed your world and left you without a backward glance. He physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally abused you, but it was his infidelity that broke you and you finally divorced him. He continues to mentally, emotionally and financially abuse you for what he perceives as your rejection of him. Kabtn wanted his Kate and Edith too. What he’s doing to you is called Coercive Control.
It is time for you to have a good life for yourself again. The best gift you could ever give me is yourself and your illustrations of stories I’m writing about your life. I admire you for your devoted and selfless care of my brain injured sister. You two were abandoned and neglected by Kabtn. Left without financial support, homeless, and zero emotional support from Kabtn and his merry band of fraudsters.
Sadness, anger, hurt. I felt these emotions and more when you told me you tried to kill yourself; not to hurt anyone, but to stop hurting. It felt like you wanted to abandon us too. I did not run away from you, our Mama/Momma. I ran away from V. Now I understand so much more. Please forgive me. I forgive you.
Elements in relation
Daughter’s water douses
Boils daughter’s water
Dear Kabtn Khawaga,
The unforgiveness that burdened me for decades almost killed me. Feeling like I had to prove myself worthy of your love and attention, to not be excluded from your life.
2015. Comprehension of your contempt for your first family. A vengeful storm brewed, wreaking havoc in my spirit. Spewing toxins like an oilfield, poisoning my environment. We three females of your first family were only discards in your poker hand. I wanted you to pay with the only currency that matters in your world. Cold, hard CA$H. Dollars earned by any means necessary. Your money is blood money, earned with the life of my sister and the shattering that created V. V. Protector of our mother, found guilty of loving and believing in you.
Dangled carrots, bloody turnips. You, Kabtn; dropping in and out of my life, on a whim. 2007. You realized I was no longer buying your lies and bankrupting myself in the process. You tried to drop back out when I returned to America after my visit to your family home in Alexandria, Egypt. I fight for my family, Kabtn. Your sister the Bulldog and your fourth wife the Diva hide you behind their skirts. You like to keep your harem stirred and fighting, it keeps them distracted while you do whatever floats your boat. In the days before my departure from your home in Alex, I felt the freeze as you retreated, turning colder. This time, I knew why. I found all I needed to know about you as the Familiar Stranger, the International Deadbeat Dad.
You are Kabtn Khawaga in my memoir. I am your Khawaga Kid. The daughter holding onto the grief of my dead family; I was destroying not only myself, but the lives of my loved ones. I end this letter with words that lead to healing for the health of my family. Please forgive me. I forgive you.
Aswan in August
Boarding our felucca
To cruise the Nile
You point to a word
“What does that say?”
You ask. I reply
“Captain spelled Kabtn”
A good memory
Of a good day
The word game
A man once called Daddy
Played with his first daughter